As we near this upcoming Holiday season, Thanksgiving, and Hanukkah or Christmas or Kwanza, we need to start thinking of the REAL reason for these seasons.  Not the gift giving and the parties, but the belief in a higher power, and the thought that the greatest gift anyone can give is the gift of forgiveness and love.  After all, didn't our creator do that for all of us?  I am taking a class in college and we were given a handout on the Six Stages of Forgiveness.  Perhaps this will help someone out there realize where he or she is and help them move on.  And, if this helps just one person in this big wide world to get out of his or her own personal quagmire, then I will be truly blessed this season.  Even more so than having the wonderful family and friends that I have. So, here goes and hope it helps someone:

Stage 1: Self-Denial
The symptoms surface with statements such as "It wasn't so bad," "Other people have it worse," or "It didn't really have any effect on me because it is in the past." Part of the denial stage may include silence or "forced" cheerfulness to pretend "not to know what we know." Examples of the known variables that we don't want to admit to are: perhaps we're slowly killing ourselves with alcohol, food or cigarettes or we spend too much time in front of the TV.

Stage 2: Self-Blame
We progress to accepting a distorted and displaced sense of responsibility for the pain we've felt. Our dominant thoughts are often of this type: "Somehow I must have set it up," "I asked for it," or "I should have known better."

Stage 3: Victim
While this stage is painful, the positive aspect is that it draws the blame away from the self, and it now becomes other-directed.  Since we've all been hurt, we all have been victimized. The three types of victims are the "whiner" (stuck in the "poor me" martyr role), the "self-indulger" (having narrow perspectives based on immediate needs and immediate gratification), and the "meaner" (with the "dukes up" physically and figuratively, always ready to do battle).

Stage 4: Indignation
This phase is usually referred to as the point where we reach "righteous indignation." Anger is felt, admitted, and recognized as a totally justified emotion towards the hurter. Feelings are expressed along the lines of "How dare you cause me to hurt so deeply!"

Stage 5: Survivor
The pain has not subsided. There is, however, finally the realization that although there is no justification for the hurt inflicted, the person who hurt you did the best he/she could given the time, limited knowledge and ability. The survivor begins to feel thankful for the blessings in life rather than being ruled just by the painful memories of the past.

Stage 6: Integration
This stage is characterized by thoughts such as "I am more than what has been done to me," and "The person who hurt me is more than just that hurtful act." At this point our self-esteem is in a better place, and we learn from the pain we have experienced. We begin relinquishing the need to judge and punish the other person, leaving those issues behind us. The pain is not completely gone, but it is viewed within a more positive, future-building perspective.
This final stage may also be accompanied by the awareness that the pain and the anger we felt were hurting us more than the hurter and that to continue to suffer is to give that person undeserved continuing power over us.

I wish you all peace, love, happiness and good health this Holiday season